Phi-Fic Ch. 83.1 - Anticipation and Longing Pt1
Ch. 83.1 - Anticipation and Longing Pt1
May stood at the threshold between late spring and early summer. Gasping for breath, he tilted his head back and looked up at the waxing moon hanging in the early days of the month, its smile uncannily like the grins Nogami and Shihou had worn after pulling off their little prank.Maybe skipping the gym membership last time hadn’t actually been a wrong choice after all?
Breathing in air tinged faintly with the salty scent of the sea, Harutaki gazed out across Tokyo Bay, where darkness and light intertwined. In the distance, the surface of the water shimmered, his eyes drifting upward to the Rainbow Bridge stretching across the bay, bathed in cool white light, almost the complete opposite of the blazing red Tokyo Tower glowing behind it.
Slowing his pace, his breathing gradually steadying, he thought that Takeshiba Pier really was a nice place for a night run.
Because of Shihou, he hadn’t managed to get up early that morning. After waking, he’d rushed off to his “date” with Nogami, and if he wanted to keep up his daily exercise routine, then a night run, something he’d never done before, was his only option.
Strolling along the waterfront, the sea breeze brushing against him, his thoughts inevitably drifted back over the twists and turns of the day.
That scumbag Yobitani had already been dealt with through connections, and thanks to his own diligent “matchmaking,” Shihou and Nogami had become friends.
With two good things happening at once, he should’ve felt happier than ever… and yet, no matter how he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to feel cheerful.
“If the day ever comes when you have to make a choice, and give something up in the process, you’d better be prepared in advance.”
Sanada’s faintly mocking voice still echoed in his ears.
Harutaki hated this kind of unavoidable regret.
Was there really no third answer, no option beyond A or B?
Well… maybe there was. Amused by his own attempt at consolation, he recalled a certain exam from long ago, when he’d confidently filled in D on a multiple-choice question because he remembered “the answer was the last one, ” only to humiliate himself.
There had been ten questions. The options were only A, B, and C.
The correct answer was C.
If he’d done something like that once before, then doing it again wasn’t impossible, was it?
Creating an option that didn’t exist, one others would see as wrong.
As the thought took shape, he couldn’t help it. A snort escaped him, followed by a quiet laugh. Thankfully, the park at Takeshiba Pier was sparsely populated; no one noticed his slightly unhinged behavior.
Finding a deserted stretch along the shore, Harutaki carefully inspected the railing with his mild germophobia, confirmed it was clean enough, then leaned over it. With a tangle of complicated emotions, he looked up once more at the crescent moon smiling down at him.
Maybe it was because summer was approaching.
Maybe it was because he was near the sea.Or maybe this spring had simply been a warm one.
Either way, as the gentle sea breeze washed over him, he felt like it was time to shed his jacket and start preparing clothes for the next season.
Shihou…
She’s probably thinking the same thing, right?
Taking off a thick outer layer. Removing a slightly heavy mask. Maybe then, her heart would feel just a little lighter.
That sincere smile she’d shown him, like the curve of the moon above, her reluctance to leave his embrace at the end, like a cat that had grown accustomed to closeness after an adjustment period…
Shihou like that was unbearably cute.
And yet, he, Hoshikawa Harutaki, wearing a mask of his own, what right did he have, or leisure enough, to worry about her?
Ever since childhood, he’d worked desperately to live up to his parents’ expectations.
Smarter than the other kids around him, from kindergarten onward he’d studied English, piano, abacus arithmetic.
In elementary school, it became math Olympiads, violin, Go, and learning how to take care of himself.
In middle school, cram schools continued, New Concept English, Chinese reading and composition, exam-focused math…
“That relative’s kid got into a good College. I’m sure you can do it too.”
“A friend’s child went straight through a PhD at UCL. You definitely won’t lose to him.”“A college classmate’s kid was hired by HKU. You’ll surely be even better than her.”
—Those were his mother’s expectations and dreams.
“You’re the only grandson with our family name. Your grandparents have high hopes for you.”
“You have to be a good role model. Your cousin only listens to you.”
—Those were the expectations and dreams of both sides of the family.
“Your scores are solid, right? When you strike it big in the future, don’t forget us.”
“You did well again, didn’t you? Once you get into a top university, be sure to bring the acceptance letter back and show me.”
—Those were the expectations and dreams of classmates, friends, even teachers.
“I can’t let everyone down.”
—That was Hoshikawa Harutaki’s own expectation and dream.
He still remembered the one and only time he’d truly failed, long ago, at a Go promotion tournament.
For someone who’d always coasted along smoothly, losing by a mere two points made him cry as he left the venue. What awaited him outside wasn’t comfort, but a cold remark:
“You lost and you’re crying like that? Aren’t you ashamed?”
There were many people in this world, so many people.
He, Hoshikawa Harutaki, wasn’t uniquely special.
The moment the referee declared his defeat, that truth struck him.
As he grew older, climbed higher, entered new circles, fear slowly took root.
Talent and intelligence alone wouldn’t let him keep winning forever.
If he failed again in something else, would he disappoint those who believed in him? Would they distance themselves from him, abandon him?
In the end, what everyone liked was the version of him who’d been praised as cute as a child, teased as handsome as he grew up, the clever, gifted him.
So he had no choice but to work hard. Harder than anyone his age.
He thought that maybe, if he did that, he wouldn’t lose. Maybe he’d gain the right to choose, so he wouldn’t be left with only a single option doomed to fail.
And so, through frantic effort and an endless flight from failure, he learned to play the role everyone wanted, becoming the version of himself that people liked.
That was why, at the very beginning, he couldn’t respond to Nogami’s feelings.
Even now, he couldn’t be sure whether he could live up to a girl’s expectations and longing, or whether he could shoulder the heavy responsibility that came with them.
Still, though he feared “failure,” he hated “regret” even more.
Regret meant suffocation. It meant remorse every time he looked back. It meant a crack in his memories that could never truly be filled.
“A dog chasing an illusory shadow, huh?”
Remembering the fable Sanada had mentioned, irritation and excitement flared up inside him.
“Chasing two rabbits and catching neither.”
“You can’t have both the fish and the bear’s paw.”
Raising a gun against windmills.
Running toward illusions.Taking a tiny step toward the moon, something humanity had deemed unreachable for thousands of years.
Not because it was easy.
Not because success was assured.But because of the courage to act even knowing it was impossible, because that one choice, the only one without regret, was right there.
The carefully crafted playboy persona.
The scumbag mask he wore.Nogami Izumi, whose personality he’d nudged slightly back on track.Shihou Chouko, slowly breaking free of her restraints.And the two of them, who’d ended up becoming friends after turning their spears on him,
Everything was ready.
Even if it ended in failure, he thought, he’d probably be the only one who got hurt. After all, from the start, neither Nogami nor Shihou had ever placed expectations or dreams on him, the scumbag Hoshikawa Harutaki.
So then, on this unavoidable multiple-choice question, he’d fill in that nonexistent answer he believed was right.
Declare war on windmills.
On illusions.On the moon!
Bzz.
Bzz.
His phone vibrated in his pocket. Harutaki pulled it out, unzipped his jacket, unlocked the screen, and looked at the message.
【Twitter】
【Tsunako: [Image]】
【Tsunako: Harutaro~ Remember to capture the value of this photo at the end and send it to me, okay~】
He broke into a wry smile. She really had sent him a late-night “side dish.”
【Harutaro: [Image]】
He snapped a photo of the shimmering surface of Tokyo Bay and sent it back, then tapped away on the virtual keyboard.
【Harutaro: The sea level in Tokyo Bay just rose by one centimeter all of a sudden. Thanks, Tsunako-chan.】
?
【Harutaro: [Image]】
【Harutaro: The sea level in Tokyo Bay just rose by one centimeter all of a sudden. Thanks, Kinako-chan.】
“Pfft… hahahaha, what is that?!”
No way it rose that much!
And a one-centimeter rise in sea level? Everyone along the coast would be cursing him out!
Chouko burst into laughter at the Twitter DM Harutaki had sent back, rolling around on her bed.
Thump.
Her hands, still holding the iPhone, dropped onto the soft mattress as she lay spread-eagle, replaying the day’s happiness in her mind.
So Izumi wasn’t just bossy and overbearing after all.
So there were peers like Sae and Minako who didn’t care about her background at all.
So eating together, laughing together, shopping together with friends could be this much fun.
So Harutaki was even more of a scumbag than a scumbag, kind and considerate to every girl, without distinction.
So his embrace was just like him, warm, reliable, making her want to lean on him, to entrust her full weight to him.
All in all, standing for the seventeenth time at this threshold between warm spring and early summer, experiencing her first Golden Week that truly shone like real gold, Chouko had finally made real friends, and taken a small step forward.
“If only… if I’d met Harutaki sooner… earlier, just a little earlier…”
A twinge of guilt welled up inside her.
I’m sorry, Onii…
I’m sorry, Harutaki…
Gently tucking her smooth black hair behind her left ear, she whispered her resolve.
She didn’t want anyone to be disappointed because of her ever again.
She, Shihou Chouko, would live as Shihou Chouko, not as the nearly perfect “young lady of the Shihou family,” burdened with countless expectations and dreams.
…
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